I lost a love and gained a new life...

Ok, so let's be real here. The title of this BLOG looks like another relationship break-up, I've moved on, I've grown post. However this is something completely different.

**TRIGGER WARNING: Suicide. This is a scenario that happens to many, often creating a downward spiral in those closest to these wonderful people. Those wonderful, beautiful people that take their own life.

When I was 19, I met a wonderful man, although slightly older whom we had so much in common. Fitness freak? Check. Loved having fun? Check. Devoted? Check.

This wonderful man was the outgoing larrikin, whom appeared to love life, and fell in love with me. We dated, we committed and we grew close. However, I was blind.

I remember the day I got a call from the Hospital saying that Simon had tried to take his own life. He had called the ambulance though, as he wasn't ready to go - it wasn't his time. I was confused - take his own life? Are they sure thats what happened? He was so happy and he was bursting with love! I had no idea though, of what was happening when I wasn't around.

I learned that day that Simon, the happy-go-lucky guy had a strong and long history of depression and attempted suicides. How could I not know this? I was around him SO often yet I missed all the signs. He slept a lot. Was often tired - though nothing that I thought was 'abnormal'. That day though, I also learned that I had a new role and a purpose to help heal the man that loved me.

Over the next month or so we worked at aiding his healing - professional appointments, a weekend away, nature and love. Then we got some AMAZING news. We were going to be welcoming a bundle of joy! Simon was so proud, over the moon and in love with my belly! It was a shock but an amazing feeling and I knew it was something that he had to look forward to and live for.

As time went on, Simon began to heal. He saw a psychiatrist regularly and was working with conventional medicine and alternative therapies. My belly was growing and the pregnancy symptoms kicking in. We weren't completely living together yet so I had my belongings at my parents home.

One night, I finished work late at the gym and was opening early. I didn't have any clean clothes with me so I let Simon know that I would head home to my house and climb in to bed as I needed some clean clothes to wear and had to be up at 4am. Simon was disappointed and a little irritated, however I knew that he was tired also and likely just needed some sleep. That was the last time I was to hear his voice.

Simon took his own life in the early hours of the morning. My spirit knew too. I had woken up in those early morning hours, out of nowhere startled, anxious sitting straight up in my bed. At the time I wasn't sure why. When I learned the next day of his passing, I suspected my soul woke me. When I received the report of time of death it confirmed that his spirit was notifying mine, the living connection broken.

At the most devastating time of my life at that point, the universe gained an angel, and another angel was born to me. I believe that the Universe knew that I had the job of carrying a part of him on in this life, through our daughter Jasmine. I am grateful to be given the gift of motherhood and I am grateful for the love that he showed us, although Jasmine didn't get to experience first hand. In such a sad time, I realised I had so much to live for and that it was my duty to become the best version of me, to share love with the world and be a role model for my daughter.

I now have the absolute privilege of being a mother to 3 fabulous children. I am grateful for the gift of motherhood. Simon gave me a purpose, he gave me life. I lost a love and I gained a new life. I gained a baby girl for Simon's love to live on. I have the most amazing husband whom loves and protects all our children as his own. For these gifts, I am grateful.

If you are reading this and experiencing negative thoughts, please know that there is hope, people love you and there are so many wonderful people and groups to support you. You are amazing. Please call lifeline on 13 11 14 or visit Lifeline Australia.

Much love,